If you're a regular here you'll know my constant fight with the Voldemart in my life, the one I've battled for as long as I remember, the one that has spawned many a post some funny, some sad, some jubilant and some motivational. It's all been about that three lettered word ..
I was a chubby baby and made for a pretty picture with my mum in her bouffant and a very dapper dad. However that cute little toddler turned into a fat preteen. And from then on life was just not the same.
When other kids counted dolls I counted my rope skips.
Each morning I'd pick up my skipping rope and a mat and go to the terrace for my exercise. I hated it. It was a chore, a chore I detested. I'd pick at my food and then binge.
When other girls counted boy-friends I counted calories.
I'd look in the mirror and see just a fat girl. I shied away from wearing certain clothes, sticking with the 'safe'. I stayed away from most sports for fear of losing and becoming a laughing stock. Racing, running, jumping.. all a no no. I never danced. I hated formal occasions that required me to dress up. I'd look in the mirror at a face that never looked pretty. How could it? I was perpetually scowling at myself.
I wish someone had told me.. to love myself the way I was.
And the funny part... when I look back at my pictures I find I wasn't fat. I really wasn't. Of course it might have been because I was trying so hard most of the time. However, I never stopped to take stock. I never saw that I wasn't fat fat. I never did enjoy the fruit of my effort.
What a colossal waste!
Later, much later, when I crossed 30 and really put on weight, I went to a gym. I loved it. I loved the exercise, the music, the instructor counting out relentlessly, the sweat trickling down my brow and finally, I loved how I MADE the weighing machine needle move the right way. Each kg that went brought on a delicious pleasure. A pleasure I learnt to savour.
When I had kids, Voldemort struck again. I let him be. I enjoyed my kids putting in the occasional exercise when I could. I loved being a mum, fat and all. Still do :-). Then it was back to the gym.
And the struggle continues. But I'm having fun. I run with the kids without worrying about who'd be laughing at me. I even dance sometimes. Oh I know I look ridiculous but now I know, it doesn't matter. I often like what I see in the mirror and when I don't I put on my smile and I look just fine.
Of course I still obsesses about my weight. I write about it constantly. I watch what I eat and of course I binge too. I still hope to become thin one day. But in the meanwhile my life's not on hold. I'm in no hurry.. I've got my whole life to do just that.I wish someone had told me ... to love myself the way I am.
This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend
, an initiative for Indian Bloggers
by BlogAdda .