I sat thinking today. I've been writing this blog for nearly two years and a half. I've talked about anything and everything that ever struck me. And yet, I guess I've never really introduced myself properly. That may be partly because of my strong belief that one's personality, if unfolded completely in one go, fails to register in its entirety on the receiver's mind. If however unveiled in bits and pieces, it helps one form their own opinion and impression of the person, forging a much stronger and more honest bond in the long run. And that's what I've always striven to maintain with all you beloved readers of mine.
But today I thought it's high time I wrote down the basics that define me. My life, my upbringing, my roots and my thinking - you've had only a glimpse at each aspect of me till now. Well well, here's the real deal now.
My friends have always told me that I talk and behave like someone far beyond her years. Some have even gone as far as to say that I possess a maturity and insight into life suited to a person much older than a twenty year old. I don't know whether to take this as a compliment or hidden sarcasm, but I attribute all that I am, partly to my upbringing and partly to all the good and bad experiences I've had in my short adolescent life. I'm anyhow of an unconsciously analytic bent of mind, so my prophetic sermons and words of advice may sometimes give out an image of extra maturity to some. Or maybe I am indeed that mature and am just being modest here. Let's just say I have a natural way with words and people that sometimes portrays me in better light than I may actually deserve.
My life, my personality, my character and temperament, all originate from the two wonderful people who brought me into this world. My parents are the two best people I've ever met in life. I know that's how almost every child feels about their parents, but even if I were to think from a neutral man's point of view, I'd agree. They're both extremely honest, straight forward, principled individuals. They don't ever speak ill of anybody unless extremely provoked, they don't ever harm anyone, they strive to fulfill all their responsibilities and try to keep everyone happy. And at the same time, they're super cool, modern parents who don't try to invade our privacy unnecessarily (as far as they can help :P) and always support and guide us in our endeavors.
My parents have given us both a perfect upbringing. They never caved in to our unnecessary demands, never gave us the chance to even learn to throw tantrums. The result - my sister and I don't ever ask for something twice. If something is refused to us for some obviously understandable reason, we don't beg or insist or throw a fit till we get what we want. Many of my friends find this behavior of mine very vexing and impossible, since I would never go to my mother to beg her to let me go to the movies or to hang out with friends if she so much as refused once. That's just who I am. And I'm pretty proud of it. My parents never really let us make do without any desire of ours unfulfilled either - from that stupid long-legged stuffed doll that i wanted one year on my birthday to the awful white frock I wanted to buy knowing all too well that I won't wear it a second time - I got everything I ever wished for, rather always more. (It helps to note here that I never had very unachievable or expensive demands either!)
I made mistakes and my parents forgave me. In fact I still do. I've usually always been out of line; was always the rebellious one, if you may call me that. The kind of things I've done, my parents could as well never talk to me or maybe even ground me for years. And yet here I am, free as a bird, publicly admitting to not having deserved all that love and support I got. And yet, I did, and it has helped me shape my character and given me valuable lessons that would guide me throughout my life. I owe my parents my life as well as teachings on how to live it in the best way possible. There's nothing more that I would ever need in life - in times of distress, tension, confusion or anything - if I actually followed every piece of advice my mother has ever given me. They're THAT effective, in hindsight.
But as we grow up, we tend to exclude our parents from our personal lives for various reasons, the major one being want of space. Who guides us in our paths then? A person sure isn't mature enough at 20 to be capable of making all the right decisions and building a good life for themselves. They are bound to err somewhere. That's where, in my case, my beliefs come in. Again, most of the beliefs I hold today have been instilled in me by my mother. She initiated me towards a spiritual existence - one where you have inner peace in the direst of circumstances. And indeed I attribute my extreme strength to it. I am a scorpion by zodiac and not that I believe a lot in the system, but I do exhibit a lot of the typical scorpion traits - awesomeness for one. But with slightly lower patience levels, forgive-but-never-forget attitude and an anti-social nature with a reserved personal life. I don't open up to people easily. I am a socialista with many friends (acquaintances, I'd say) but hardly anyone I'd consider close enough. I hide my true feelings if they are anything other than smile-inducing. And hiding too much inside inevitably leads to breakdowns every now and then, usually on my few loved ones, thus catching them unawares and putting them in very difficult situations. I hate to do that to you, you-know-who-you-all-are, but I can't help sometimes. I try, I swear!
Coming back to the point, I've worked on my temper and impatience issues a lot over the years, as well as on my tendency to alienate people and then feel lonely. My belief in the justice of the Universe has helped a lot i staying positive and moving on after every setback with greater zeal. I'm highly spiritual and believe in God and his fairness. I believe that whatever happens is indeed for something better that you may or may not see right now, but will ultimately reap. So whatever good I receive in life, I attribute to His grace. I have a lot of confidence in my abilities and try to put them to good use - you can see that. But sometimes when I believe I cannot achieve something that is expected of me, I leave it to Him - whether or not I deserve to achieve it He shall decide, I only try to do my best towards accomplishing it. And I brush aside sorrows and misfortunes as signs telling me I'm doing something horribly wrong - once I'm done with all the crying and I-wish-I'd-die laments (can't do without them!!), I check myself and my conduct to find out what it is I'm erring at. I may or may not find something, but I usually conclude that it is I who deserves this misfortune in order to bring me back to ground and guide me on the right path. Trust me, it helps in stress-management and in maintaining a calm attitude in moments of worry. I'm quite well known for that trait. It does keep you a tad low on self-confidence and self-pride though, which is detrimental to one's self-image, but usually does the trick quite well!
And as I've emphasized many a times before, I am a weirdo with all sorts of beliefs and indulgings. I can actually be a huge hypocrite too at times, so remember THAT before mentally pointing out all those instances where you've seen me disregard my own ideals and beliefs and do something so-not-what-I've-written-above. I'm still very much a person, a moody one at that! So you may judge me critically or you may like me - I'm still who I am. I learn from my experiences, I always do, and I try to create a memorable existence for myself in this world. And I strive to write and blabber as much as I can as long as I'm alive and kickin'!P.S. They do not call me ~Angel~ for nothing. ;)