Date: 7/12/2012 7:45:00 PM
I was not sleeping on this of the wall – inside the room, but on the other – the mattress was hanging from the 6th floor somehow. Anyone passing by the road would have seen me there, but it was too late in the night for someone to pass by. I felt thirsty, so stood up to go to the kitchen – and realized I can't. In fact, can't even step off the mattress – the 7 floor fall would be something!
Sat on the edge, thinking I should write about thirst. But then, have I ever been so thirsty that I could write about it? Maybe when as a 12 year old I decided to go jump in a pond I had seen earlier – I had walked and walked and walked for 6 hours straight, never finding the pond. Of course, why did I not jump into the more famous one at Tankbund is because that place is just too crowded. Who would like to die with a crowd watching – it is intensely personal, isn't it? That walk, I think, had made me very thirsty, though I hardly remember now – and I was definitely not worried about food/water, more about finding the pond I had zeroed down on.
Since then I thought of dying very often. I think it reached the peak during my intermediate – about everyday I would talk to my friends about dying. I had tried rat poison – which only upset my stomach. Thought of drinking acid – but was too frightened to do that. Tried to sleep as little as possible, as you die earlier by lack of sleep than lack of food. Yeah, today I told A that, and she was thoroughly pissed! Asking if I said that just to hurt her, why would I like to die early. It was weird coming from her – she who does not want to spend any longer than 35 years on planet Earth.
Engineering was easier. I met Sofia, at some point we just decided to be there fr each other. She acted as an interface between me and the world – beaming an image of me at the world and making the world more understandable for me. Of course, I too did something for her – taught her to ignore the world, and everything it stood for. But then, those years went by – and I was back wanting to die.
This time I tried gulping down 20 disprins and some other tablets. (yeah, I should have tried something stronger, but I guess I did not really want to die!) It only gave me a cold sweat, and my lead sent me back from the office within 15 minutes. I vomited it out, and that was that.
I suppose my best chance at dying was when I hung from from the fan. But that was foiled too. (Written about that earlier.) Maybe I should have simply stepped off the mattress when I had the chance, but before I could I woke up on the “right” side of the wall!