I had to title the post in such a desperate manner for the sheer lack of a better word. But it pretty much describes my current state of mind.
To be crisp and precise with the facts - I am sick. It all started with a fall two weeks ago - a knee injury and a sprained foot - in short, PAIN. The next woe to pay me a visit was an ear infection, bringing with it a lot more of unbearable pain. And to add finishing touches to the perfect spectacle of illness that I've been reduced to, I've also contracted a bad cold now.
I haven't paid so many visits to the medical fraternity my entire life as I've had to do over the past one week. ENT, general physician, orthopaedic - seen them all in quick succession. X-ray, MRI, ear-rape - had them all done. Allopathy, homeopathy, reiki healing - oral, external, spiritual - taking all sorts of treatment possible. To little avail as yet though. Hope to get better with time...this hope is my ultimate fall-back-upon.
But amidst all this hustle and bustle, I've been feeling lonely and cornered. Quarantined rather. Everyone's moving about with their lives at normal pace, thinking about their work, duties, how much they've studied, what all chores they're yet to finish, where to spend the weekend with friends - the works. But all I've had and still have on my mind is when I'm gonna get rid of this pain...when is my foot gonna be fit enough for me to be able to walk those two miles of my long-forgotten evening walks? When will I be able to start my swimming lessons? How and when will I visit the sites I've got to review for my freelance job? When will I finally stop being looked upon with sympathetic-cum-condescending glances for sitting around all day and hardly helping around the house? I have alluded to my issues with sickness earlier
. I admit I had a prophetic approach to sickness at one time. But that was before I had been THIS sick for THIS long. Now it's mere torture, squatting around all day with pain everywhere and no enthusiasm to do any damned thing.
It kills my sanity to see people getting along in their lives, doing what they ought to do, passing by me with a word of sympathy or advice without really knowing what all goes on inside my head. They think all I'd want right now is to rest and get better and to be rid of the pain. Little does anyone know how it agonizes me to see my peers and friends wasting their holidays doing nothing, while I look at them with longing eyes thinking of all the ways in which I would have been making each day of my vacation more worthwhile than the last. It hurts in places I otherwise scarcely even know the existence of inside me. For a person as restless as I am, illness is a curse like none other.
I am but a loner. With already only about a handful of friends who I talk to on normal days, I tend to stay away even from them in such times. I don't know why. I just don't feel like anyone understands my state. Almost everyone thinks, however, that they do. They'll invariably give you expert advice on resting yourself infinitely, taking care while walking, not stepping out of doors, what medicines to take, what tests to get done and a hundred etc pieces of advice and motherly admonishes. And the ultimate "take care of yourself" and "don't worry, you'll be alright in a couple of days :)" certainly beat the hell out of me. Come on, if it were not for your telling me to, wouldn't I be taking care of myself? And when you don't even know half of what all is wrong with me, why bother to say encouraging stuff like THAT?
It outrages me to be asked about my health as a customary salutation by dear ones before their going on to recount all the stories of what an awesome day they had. It's like all that my life revolves around right now is my ill health, and that's all I am about to them. Pretty much the major reason why I keep away from society during such times. They make it harder rather than easier for you to hold on, cope. And then what would you think - they take it as a personal offense if the sick person keeps a distance from them! Then come jewels of words like "Fine, suit yourself. I am here for you and yet you choose to be alone. Don't blame me later, for you've chosen your loneliness and misery yourself". Classic!
Now, as it always happens, I started writing this post in a sad state of mind during another bout of loneliness. And it as usual ended up getting laced with all the bitterness I could muster. I am indeed bitter right now. And sad. And lonely. But I don't need pity or concern. I need respite. Some excitement, some unconditional loving and caring. A surprise maybe. I just don't wanna be alone. But I don't feel like talking either. So I guess this loneliness is gonna make itself a home in me for some time. But don't feel sorry for me! It might actually not have the desired effect. Just bear with me and my rants and keep dropping by to read up on me, I'll keep this space posted.
P.S. I just found out on the web that sick and lonely people die early. ISN'T THAT ME RIGHT NOW? Oh God save me, I want to live.