May be I have not been the ideal devotee. I have not really believed in your power, not believed in You. No one knows better than you that past few years have been pretty tough, for me, my mom, my dad. Everybody, basically. And I have always blamed you for things going south in my life.
My mom was more than shocked when I told her that I don't believe in You, and that You couldn't care less about me. But then, my mom tried to show me her point of view. She is a true believer.
Doubts are funny things, you know. They get inside you brain and make you question everything. Every little aspect. I have doubted almost everything in life, I have even doubted myself. I have done that a lot actually. So much so that I have lost faith. In Me, in You. In everything I believed in. Right now I am in such a stage in life that, I literally believe in nothing. Trust no one. Brood too much, work too little.
Last night, after chilling till 2 in the morning with my mom, she told me. 'Its okay. Just have faith in yourself. Things will work out. I know they will!' She has probably accepted the fact that I am not exactly a believer. Actually m not sure whether I am or not. But lately, I am feeling root less. There is nothing which is holding me to the ground, helping me stay in perspective.
There is a pillar in Qutub Minar, an iron pillar. I don't recall its significance or importance at this moment but somehow I have grown to relate that pillar as a strong threshold of life in general. I mean, it sort of hold everything together, everything in place. I don't know whether this makes sense, but I am missing that pillar in my life. Nothing right now is holding me together. I am simply floating through life, wasting it almost.
I have just 4 years of college, I have already wasted a year, I have hardly done anything. I regret so many decisions in life. I don't want to be this gas of a person that I am right now, but I need faith. It's was really hypocritical of me to pray after my entrance this year, which didn't work out as always. I still blame you, because I did my part. I managed the books, I studied. Didn't you want to help me out a little bit? Am I not you child?
Well, I am still not sure what to expect from life. But maybe I brood too much. I miss being Me.
What is the idea behind this 'letter'? I am not sure. Maybe its kind of a prayer, to help me find faith. Maybe, its a prayer, a request to not punish my loved ones for my mistakes. Maybe its just a hand extended towards an alliance. I don't know. But I know this, I need serious changes in life. I don't know how I will do it. I don't whether I will do it at all, but it has to start from admitting to the problem. The problem of being faithless.
What else can I say?
At this point, all I can ask is for you to be merciful and loving enough to show me the light.