Date: 5/27/2012 11:38:00 AM
I have learnt to deal with it. With the phenomenon of life fading into images and then images dissolving into light and then the light being superimposed by the brighter light of todays. It does not matter any more who is gone and who remains. I feel I can deal with everything. And that, is a very scary thought. Sometimes, I wake up from the dream that what is, never was. And as I go about my day like every other day, a little elf sits brooding at the back of my head, thinking, 'What if?'. I suppress the question, but it keeps coming back, and it annoys me that I know the answer and still pretend that I don't. I start thinking of all the people and events that affected me more than they should have when I was too young to have exercise control over them, and I wonder if somewhere, some of it, has scarred something too subtly and deeply for me to realize; if I could be someone different from who I am.
But then, who am I but a miniscule speck of dust? How is my existence more significant than the flap of a butterfly's wings? That thought comforts me at times.
I need to journal this, so that tomorrow, when enough time has passed for my words to become precious as history, and be romanticized beyond its actual worth, this darkness might infect another mind, and seek the same answers. Because these questions are bigger than you or me.