Blog :Delirium- the madness saves me.
Date: 3/23/2012 8:06:00 PM
The immediate image in my mind which comes up is of a turtle, who has withdrawn into his shell or rather a cocoon. I think now I am becoming more of a recluse than before. I am a more of a going-out kind of a person, who likes to go out with friends, throw parties, go for plays, films etc...I couldnt imagine really being hunched up at home in front of TV or of a computer screen all day. Staying at home for a stretch of days was unimaginable. Being a filmmaker, and aspiring to become a good filmmaker, I had also suffered from pangs of guilt, how I am not putting enough thought into my films, how I don't have scripts ready like others etc. Then eventually realisation occurred. A couple of people were trying to tell me that I should get rid of all these distractions and start focussing on what I should really focus on right now. I realised they were telling the truth. I should be spending more of my time writing, ideating about stories and learning script-writing. Earlier I never did mind travelling within Mumbai for work, to watch a film etc. As my home was always quite far from the pulse point of the filmmaking world, this had become an inevitable part of my life and I used to pride myself on using my four hours spent travelling quite well-spent with reading, even translating on my laptop sometimes. I had even writtena post about it- titled Oh my God! You stay in Airoli? Then the crowd, all the pushing, grime, erratic timings of the trains and the effort started taking a toll and I realised that it all is actually a waste of precious time, no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise. It would be better spent at home doing some real constructive work. Slowly I started avoiding things that I really should avoid, like commuting. I almost stopped using my phone. It almost as if suddenly it stopped ringing for me and bothering me anymore. I stopped keeping in touch with my close friends even. Allowing them the time that they need and letting them contact me, instead. I stopped organising things and meet-ups with my friends allowing them to organise and call me instead. I started questioning 'is this really necessary?' before doing anything. That has been the single most helpful process. Life has been much peaceful since.Even for smallest off tasks, I avoid going out of my home. I never imagined I would be like this. I am conserving so much of my energy and money. I spend a lot of time with my family. For once, I stopped talking and started listening instead. What followed was pure beauty. I started seeing some of the grandness of the plans for me in front of my eyes. Its a bit inexplicable, but true. I have felt it. Silence is a constant companion now. I can see the hidden logic behind things. It has given me a better understanding. Even writing this for me is connecting a lot of dots and amalgamating a lot of feelings I have felt in the previous few months;, a lot of thoughts that were moving around in my mind since some time. Its such a nice feeling, to actually put something in writing after a long time of thinking about them. I must admit that I am not spending a lot of time writing and ideating, but I am researching a lot on scripting and screenwriting. I have begun ideating now and I am comfortable now spending long stretches of time writing about subjects. I have begun to chaff out things that dont matter from my life and only keep the most essential things. Finally, only the things that should really matter have started mattering in my life. There is so much more focus now.