And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am .
-Goo Goo Dolls - Iris
I start to see the pattern. Every time I think, this will bedifferent, every time I open up, I’m only handing people ammunition. I understandthat no matter what I do, I cannot make the world love me. There is nothing tolove, nothing to respect. Only a black self-annihilating void. I abhor myselfand everything that I tried to hold close. I seem to have some kind of anti-Midas touch, whatever I touch turns to poison.
I realise the fact that I am a fool and a fraud. My wordsare just that, words. They have no power, no life. Except to bring out thepathetic whining of my demented mind. My ideals have been shattered, eachpounded to pieces. My ideas ring hollow and false.
Its time I called myself a failure. I lost. I thought I wouldmake my own rules. I thought I would be good at what I am good at. I tried tomake the small things count. But I am only mediocre. I am defeated. My best isnot good enough. I
am not goodenough. I am sorry. I tried.
Its over. I would be lying if I said there is nothing leftfor me here. There is. But somehow, I don’t find it in me any more to seek it. Iknow it’s not the worst a person can go through. Not even close. But this time,I just want to give up. I would fight it, if I could. Smashed, broken andbleeding, I would have hung on. But I don’t want to, not any more. I want tolet go.
I guess that also makes me a coward. How fitting. That I shouldbecome everything that I have always hated. But I can and will maintain one last semblanceof prestige. I shall not make excuses. The only faults to be found, I will findin me. Not in the world, not in life, not in any one.
Please know that I love you, in my own weird way, across thewords. Every one. Thank you for listening. Whether a minute or an hour or a year,you brightened up a stupid girl’s world. Whether you knew or not.
As I read this over, it sounded a bit like a suicide note. No,you probably won’t find a body on the bed tomorrow morning. But if you searchin the rubbish heap, you might just find a soul.